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I began journaling in 1993 when I saw my first therapist. I was 18 years old and I had just gotten out of an extremely abusive relationship. Though I had kept a diary since middle school, this type of journaling was different in terms of outcomes. I was young, depressed, and needed much guidance in the area of healing and journal writing helped with the process. 

One of the many takeaways from therapy was my newly discovered journal writing which became an essential part of my healing journey. I remember my therapist telling me (and I even wrote notes in the inside cover of my very first spiral notebook/journal) that journaling helps in many ways: 1) It allows you to process and validate your feelings. 2) It can help to calm the nerves caused by anxiety. 3) It allows you to process information by rereading your written thoughts- creating different perspectives, a means of reflection and sometimes surprising insights.

I have kept every single journal/spiral notebook since this journey began: documenting my entire life on paper; I believe it's time to share with the world some of these journal entries as I refuse to remain voiceless. Silence equals complicity and I will no longer be complicit.

Recently, I have had this overwhelming need to document the following information (pulling from my journal entries since 2003 when this relationship began) as means of not only protection (no, I am not being dramatic), but also to clarify in my own mind the spiraling impact of damaging actions and conduct by one family member.

The compiling of this journal into blog is meant as confirmation, clarification, and confrontation of the truth to show the enormity of all of her mind games and misdeeds. With this clarity, I hope to no longer accept her abuse as I attempt to finally move forward and take care of myself first and foremost. 

I hope this journal into blog gives you some much needed validation if you believe you have been suffering at the hands of someone who possesses a toxic personality disorder as well. No, I am not diagnosing, just living the hell. I will let you be the judge.

(All information here within has been notarized and e-filed to my personal attorney for intellectual property/documentation purposes. A nom de plume will be used along with alternative names to protect identities during final production.)

Here is a list with descriptions based on my observations of this family member. Please note: these are just my opinions based on observations. Again, you be the judge as the story unfolds.

 

Disrespectful 

She is annoying, patronizing, condescending and obnoxious. She seems to get pleasure from hurting others (like poking fun at or putting others down) which seems to satisfy her need for power even though it jeopardizes her need of belonging in the process. She bullies, never apologizes and is super critical and judgmental. She is rude. She has odd and inappropriate behavior which hurts feelings and/or distresses and/or disturbs and/or offends others. She is basically just unpleasant to be around as she seems to enjoy irritating others for no apparent reason as she creates chaos and disruption. She is seemingly inept to basic manners and has an overall disregard for others as well. She destroys others' self-esteem, abuses others with her mouth and manipulates with mind games. She can be outright thoughtless and cruel. She lacks boundaries and respect for others and thinks nothing of making shocking statements or remarks which can be quite belittling. 

 

Untrustworthy

She announces, not listens as she tells and not asks with many times a hidden agenda. She, at times, seems deceptive as she either outright lies or deliberately leaves out pertinent info. She shows kindness only when she feels as if she'll get something from the situation- again, hidden agenda. She pits others against each other as she builds alliances. She takes advantage of others and situations. She is full of hypocrisy.

 

Self-Absorbed/Center of Attention/Spotlight Hog/Conceited/Self-Centered/Self-Important   

Her needs are paramount and people are manipulated to meet these needs. The world revolves around her as she habitually seeks attention. She seems to have an entitlement based thinking, but do not ever attempt to knock her off her pedestal or else! Good, bad, whatever: it's always all about her. "Look at me! Listen to me!" 

 

Know-it-All/Arrogant/Big Headed/Full of Herself/Big Talking/Loudmouth/Windbag/Diarrhea Mouth 

She is convinced that she knows more than others and is always right. She possesses a better than or holier than thou attitude. She is someone who sees every conversation as an opportunity to aggressively assert her own opinion in order to dominate/control. She always has to be right. She always has to win. She has to look good and be in control as she acts superior while seeking more power. She loves to talk about herself, to just run her mouth and rarely shuts up and refuses to actually listen. She is deaf to other's opinions. She lacks boundaries and respect for others. She seems to rarely ever listen because she just doesn't care; even her texts are ramblings of word salad. By using her mouth as a weapon, she seems desperate for constant attention and we all know the smell of Desperation is the worst cologne.

 

Toxic

I get the feeling of unease around her as she is draining, has an unpleasant attitude, and is always bitching and moaning about something in her life. She is passive-aggressive. I feel as if I am always walking on eggshells around her since she can be quite intimidating and domineering. I get an overall feeling of ick in her presence due to the lack of trust. She is always playing the victim card and somehow believes others owe her because she has been mistreated and because of this, she victimizes others in the process. She can seem angry, bitter and hateful in her words as she lashes out at others. I have even witnessed complete strangers and their annoyance with her. 

   

Argumentative                                                                                                                                                                                                  

She lacks the ability to see how she comes across to others. She gets defensive when confronted, then blames whatever, because, you know, it's never her fault. She can be quite disruptive as she regularly provokes people, then blames them for the fight. She possesses a child-like behavior with poor listening skills, tantrum throwing and bully tactics. She denies and lies with lack of respect and boundaries. She minimizes everything when called out on bad behavior, making it seem less important than it really is, then ultimately blames everyone or everything else.  

 

Sly/Sneaky/Secretive/Liar/Cunning/Manipulative/Exploits/Conniving/Devious/Deceptive                                                               

She seems to have no respect for others as she withholds information, projects faults on to others and is never to fault for anything. She advocates her own needs/demands and that they be met at the expense of others. She is quite self-serving. She can be charming/charismatic in order to get ahead/win. She seems to have little, if any, self-awareness as she is insensitive to the needs/feelings of others. She continuously looks out for herself only. She is pawing, taunting and hypocritical.

 

Envious/Jealous  

She is competitive and loves to brag and exaggerate her self-worth. When she feels her self-worth is being threatened, she is prone to obsessive jealous rages, becomes shallow and puts others down in the process in order to feel better about her own insecurities.

 

Controlling 

She has a tremendous need to control situations, conversations and others. She hangs on to resentment to control. She uses intimidation to control. If you dare cross her, watch out: smear campaigns to follow. Again, no boundaries and no respect for others.

 

False Masks

She is fake and superficial as she is perceived as caring/understanding, but then uses this to manipulate later on. She is a serial manipulator, phony and possesses a fake persona to the world. She acts like a Queen/Princess at times with her entitlement. She seems to create fake anger as she manipulates someone through intimidation or snubbing. She lives in a fantasy world: not real, fake. She seems to lack real values as they are almost always situational resulting in contradictory and/or hypocrisy. She very rarely has ever expressed genuine appreciation or gratefulness or even regret. She is full of fauxpologies: "I didn't mean to, but..."

 

Addictions

Is her craving for alcohol similar to her craving for control? She seems to rely on alcohol and people (adoration) to boost her self-esteem. Does this stem from a deep rooted sense of shame? She is addicted to both alcohol and her feeling to be superior which seems to come from the same place. Does she attempt to dull her insecurities and fears along with using alcohol as a tool to get attention and to make people focus on her? I see it as an attention seeking tool to serve her emotional needs by providing the constant attention she needs/desires/craves. Note: I am not being judgmental. I know first hand how emotional/physical addictions work and I fight them every day.

 

Over the Top Optimism Based on Assumptions                                                                                                                                     She acts and almost always verbalizes as if something is true without real knowledge or actual experience as she expresses assumptions as being "the best ever" without really knowing for sure. 

 

Full of Excuses

She shows lack of ownership and responsibility as she falsely accuses and blames others or circumstances. She is always placing blame on something/someone else as she never seems to take any responsibility for her herself or her family, yet, will correct others freely! She quite often uses the 3Ds: denies, deflects and distracts.

 

Mind Games 

She instills doubt, creates confusion, will lie and distort facts and change events to suit her agenda. Deception seems to be at the core of the mind games she continuously plays. She brainwashes, starts drama, gaslights, has been known to stalk, plays the victim and taunts. She uses smoke and mirrors along with triangulation. She is back stabbing and two faced: she will put others down behind their backs or even right to their faces! She spreads lies and gossip and is highly convincing since she works hard to convince others to side with her. She uses rationalization: twists conversations to her gain at the expense of others and if trapped/cornered, she keeps talking, changes the subject then uses the 3Ds: denial, deflection and distraction. I truly believe she has broken her husband's spirit in order to keep him co-dependent by using threats, intimidation, mind control, etc. She hoovers: baits with drama to suck you back in.

The above descriptions are only in part of what I have witnessed over the years but the following is the pattern I have seen: once she feels threatened (could take shape in any form- not being center of attention, being called out on bad behavior, not agreeing with her, etc., she then 1) abuses others as she becomes the victim 2) feels empowered by the above traits as she lashes out, then 3) the cycle continues.

In a nutshell, this is how I have felt over and over again: Oh snap, it happened again! Ok, things have calmed down and all seems better. Maybe this will be the time that things will go in the right direction? Oh no, the tension is building again...Oh snap, it happened again!

"If they do it often, it isn't a mistake; it's just their behavior."- Dr. Steve Maraboli